What happens when that little flame inside you starts to flicker like a candle fighting it's way through a breeze? That moment when everything almost dies but tries so hard to stay ablaze. It's like my head when there's not enough oxygen for me to mentally focus, like a fog after a few shots when all you do is act on instincts and lack of a better judgment. Are you going to stay and fight or are you going flea for cover? Sometimes what's easy isn't always what's right. I don't even know anymore the difference between the two. I go with my gut and follow my heart and hope they've got enough sense to not steer me wrong. I want what everyone else wants...unicorns and pots of gold at the end of every rainbow and maybe an in-ground pool, why is that so much to ask? I want to lift heavy again and love without the fear of getting hurt. I want to stand for something worth standing for and fight till it gives me a reason to just give up. These dragons are everywhere and they don't give up. I put them out with their drink but they keep coming back. Give up and go home? Wake up from this bad dream? Or take a deep breath and get the oxygen pumping again. I'm an athlete, a natural born champion. Giving up has never been in my blood and fight has always been patiently waiting on the back burner for his big debut. I want to win again. I want to walk in a room and pull tricks out of their seats with my openers! I want to make PRs feel light again and hit your lifts for doubles. I want my fight to stay, I like it. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive when everything else starts to feel so dead. I won't ever give up on what's worth fighting for and when I do I'll just make my bed and lie down in it. That little flame inside me will always burn bright, like a hot coal refusing to be taken over by the wind. I'm just now burning red, three shades before that deep blue heat. I'll keep you warm if you want to stay close but if not I'm going to keep fighting this damn fight. Are you with me or against me? What do you have worth fighting for?

The bar.

The bar  It seemed to feel so perfect in my hands today. My feet, although stubborn at first started to move a little quicker, hitting their right places at the right time. Spreading and landing at a better distance apart, ugh I hate that part! Move your feet! How is that so hard? How does someone go from jumping 2 ft forward to not moving at all? It's little stuff right but the decider between the best and second place. No one wants to be second place, I don't.  The gym was more packed today. School is a little closer to being in session and all the overachievers have showed up a little early. I met new teammates and it's starting to feel a little better walking on to the platforms at Lindenwood. Some of them are a little too quiet though, it makes me nervous.  Support. That's all it takes. And belief. Those two things and you can conquer anything. Knowing someone, whoever that is, has your back when you fall is such a courageous feeling. It allows you to pick that bar back up when you lose it behind and just do it again without worry that it's going to be another fail. Or just get through life in general. Change. It sucks. A feeling of starting all over again. Change this, keep that....will it ever feel natural again? I hope so. I believe it will. I can't wait till it does. So much going on and all I want is comfort again so I can find my peace. The clutter in my head makes me nauseous. It makes me think and when I think sometimes I doesn't make sense.... Kind of like this blog. I'm not sure what sense is anymore. Maybe one day it will all come back to me. Until then I'm going to just ride this wave and see where it takes me. Thanks for the vent....I hope it helped someone out there.

When is Enough ever ENOUGH?

Inspired by Mike Cook:

At what point do you call it quits? What is the deciding factor between setting the bar one kilo higher or stuffing it back into the quiet, dusty confines of your closet? When do you know you're done, maxed, at full potential, spent, or just finally burnt out?

I personally don't know the answers to any of these questions. I wish I did.....or maybe I'm glad I don't? As an athlete, I push till I fall over, till I can't get up anymore, till every last tear has been shed or sweated from my body. But as  a champion, I NEVER QUIT! Where is the fine line in which the end lies?

Almost a year into this sport and challenges still hit me everyday. Challenges from PR's, from lack of motivation, from fear.....wait!.... from fear of not getting better (that's more like it) challenges simply because I still see a long road ahead and gas is very expensive.  I keep adding weight though. Even if it's not a PR, I add weight to doubles...somewhere throughout this all it breaks down to a victory, right? I fight the bar and the bar fights back. Good days are fewer than the bad but when a great day comes it fuels me long enough to fight till the next one. Doubt will fill your mind but you have to shut it out. It will encircle your head like a wreath like jolly old St. Nick's smoke from his pipe on Christmas Eve. Tell it to go elsewhere. Fight. Send it over the hill to the more weak souls. The ones who still get shoved in adult lockers because they have no MOXIE! Fight some more. If this were easy every one would do it and then "Champion" would be just another term for "couch potato" or "lazy bum".

I don't know what the end looks like? I assume it's just like dying.....for me it will be. I don't know who I'd be without some version of athlete tacked behind my name? Am I anything at that point? Mother-of-athlete/s (I hope). Faintly I see my end but not because I have doubt. Not because I'm giving up or giving in. More so, because I have "life". I know where I want my road to go and I'm going to try like hell until I run out of gravel or hit the dirt! Until then I will set goals, break goals, and take the bar higher. I will cuss, grunt, and slam bars until I feel better about what lies at my feet. I will take a  victory when it comes my way and except failure only when it makes me stronger.

You? I don't know you. I don't know your moxie. I don't know your locker or your closet. I don't know why you cry or how far you can be pushed before you just GIVE UP! You do though. What are you? Are you a CHAMPION or are you just some other Joe Schmoe working to just keep up and "fit in" amongst a crowd of zombies? You know your fight, your self worth, your pride....what are you going to do with it? Be satisfied with a 1 kilo PR or add more f-ing weight and go till you collapse?? What are you going to make of today so tomorrow you can look back and smile?

Figure it out yet????
Good.
GO!

 

Happy Now...

The bombs have been dropped. The smoke has all cleared. Everyone is still alive each feeling their own emotions. What a relief. Can this all be over now? I wave my white flag. Truce. I shake your hand and smile. You were happy and I am happy now. No one wins in the end, but I do feel a little better now. Scars will stay because they are deserved and I'm sorry if the shoe doesn't fit as well on the other foot. The bitterness is gone from my mouth and all I taste is the sweet remnants of cherry chapstick. I walk a little taller, smile a little brighter, and can laugh again at life. Let bygones be bygones and move on knowing everyone each got what they deserved. I hate this part. You were once my best friend. I'm letting go now....moving on to what makes me happy again. You stay on your side of town and I'll make a new home over here. Keep your head up, someday this will all be a good story. Fight through your pain like I've fought through mine. I'm still rooting for you even though you're on the other team. Go on, do big things, thank me later for the fire I just built in your belly because I'm thanking you now for the one in mine. This will all be over soon. Close your eyes really really hard, get mad, and grit your teeth a little.....those lights you still see, well, that's ME. I made it through the darkness, I know you can too.

Tarnished Trophy

I sit here awake in bed. My thoughts are like 20/20 vision in the dark and my visions are like a kid with ADHD. Light weights today, tomorrow heavy again. Happy one second and ready to rip faces off dragons the next. I close my eyes only to see what it is my mind keeps thinking. I like it though. I like the world in my head. I like it so much I just want to sleep but I can't....this world makes my heart race. It plays in high definition with the volume on max. A ticking time bomb inside my chest.....pushed to the limit everyday, just waiting for you to make that call and for everything to blow up.

The humidity makes me sweat. You make me sick. Jayden wakes up in the middle of the night calling for "mama". I roll over and pet her back to sleep. Training is hard but it's not my only test of strength. I want more. I want it all. I want to make it big while I watch you hurt in that rearview mirror.

Wrap your knees for these pistols skank, you're going to need every bit of help you can get. Come here, I'll give you a hug! Watch me as I knock out reps without stopping and use your max weights in my warm up. CrossFit SchmossFit, you can't beat me, but you can have this....It's not my best trophy, I brought the best one with me.  Sit it up on your table and watch it closely cause in enough time someone else will run off with it again. Tempting on the outside made of priceless gold but on the in, lies and deception. Too bad the tarnish will never rub off and it's left stained forever.

Blog after blog I've deleted lately because my zombie fingers take over and try to get even. I pull back even though it feels so good. I save them because they've actually been some of my finer pieces of work. I read them as inspiration for myself and I laugh knowing you're such a fool. I know what's important and I have it. Fearless and confident everything else will come. I'll put my fight to better use now. PR......you better wrap your damn knees!!

“If you are going to be a champion, you must be willing to pay a greater price.”

~Bud Wilkinson~

The Lab

I'm really starting to hate PR. I mean I think I am though its been so long since we've danced. I remember loving him; welcoming him every day and smiling when he was in the room. Butterflies filled the air as I looked at him and knew I would be calling him my own again someday. I hate him now. So many battles; so many defeats. Why is he so mean to me? Why does he have to be so damn stubborn headed. Go above my head PR, and stay there!

Another failed attempt! Ugh.....hate, hate, hate! You remind me of someone else I know.

My body aches. My heart aches. My training suffers because I am suffering. I think I've found a light though. Still very vague and dim in the distance, but a light nonetheless. I see it flickering, drawing me in like a moth to a flame. Flame! That's it. That's what I need to get out of this darkness. This headache. This nightmare. This never ending slump. A flame!

Yesterday was the beginning of that flame. I went to The Lab gym in St. Louis with my teammate and new awesome training partner, Kyle. We had a great session, one of the best ones I've had in months. Still no PR to be found but it awakened that demon inside me again. It felt nice! It reminded me of my first weightlifting home at CalStrength and I felt like I was training next to Donny Shankle again.

Smiles. Roars. Explosions. Lions filled the room. We were a stand still quiet amongst the storm. Nothing made sense in there except our training. Kyle hit a PR (so I know he lives there). I will find him again and we will dance, but until then I'll share him with everyone else in the room. Rugged little home, but it was broke in to the sound of bars slamming and decorated with chips and holes in the wall.... so I loved it. Bars rattled off of the hips around me, my teammate sat behind me to cheer me on, house music filled the air and somehow on my first visit I felt so at home. I needed that. Wow, what a great feeling to have after the shit I've had to deal with lately. It was a moment of peace where lately there is none. It was a flame and I brought the match. Keep burning fire. Keep me warm and alive on the inside cause lately I've felt so cold. Rekindle my love for PR and let me trust him again. Let me believe that I am invisible and heal my open battle wounds. Burn brighter and brighter so everyone else in my corner can have some too. You keep going and I'll keep dumping the gasoline on. Thank you Lab partner for taking me and can't wait to do it again! Next time.....I'll bring my dancing shoes!

To all the Daddy Bears in the world!!

I just want to say Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful Daddies out there, especially to mine who is always there for me and now more than ever my rock that I look up to and come to when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I love you Daddy!

Training!

Well I thought life would be a little less crazy as I left CalStrength and traveled across the country to new ventures. It hasn't though. I'm set on the idea that life is just crazy. Forest Gump was right, you really just never know what you're going to get. Of all the things going on in my life right now, one thing is still for sure....training is hard and I am loving it. Coach Ma is working every inch of my body with accessory work and I'm doing just as he asks. I feel a little more CrossFit lately as my body aches and hurts when I move, even more than the old aches and pains of before. I love it though, did I already mention that? The team, even though I haven't met all of them yet, is awesome! I like them a lot, even though they could never replace my first family at CS. I still find myself talking and thinking about them. Jon, Tom, Donny and all the others wondering how they're all doing and wishing we were all together dancing on platforms in the same room again. Change is good though, it makes us grow as people. Stronger on the bar and braver in real life. When you can adapt to change you can take on the World, and only Champions take on the World. I love my new home. I love being back in the arms of my family. I love watching my daughter run around playing in the water with her little cousin. I love the opportunity at my feet and I am taking it in full stride! I sometimes forget how strong I really am until life throws these moments of true strength right in my face. I'm ready though. I'm mad. I'm confident. And I'm determined. I'm Wonder Woman....remember!

Second Chances are Sometimes Worth the Wait

It is absolutely crazy to look at life and think we actually have it all figured out. I mean, what does it mean to plan anymore? Is there even such a thing? People plan to have a baby when they have the money saved up for it but is there ever enough money? People plan to finish school and become doctors without any rough spots or disappointments? People plan what they are going to do tomorrow and then their car blows up today? I planned for all of these things and nothing went as PLANNED.  But breaking the plan doesn't mean you've failed....it doesn't even mean that you have to quit trying. Success never came without a little failure and it sure never came to those to who gave up. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I am one of those believers that everything happens for a reason and I believe my reason is here. As  I've been mentioning in my blogs over the last little while, big things are happening in my life. I have decided to uproot myself from California and all I known for the last five years. I have decided to take what I've learned at CalStrength and put it further to work while I better my education. I have been offered the opportunity to lift on scholarship at Lindenwood University in St. Charles, MO under new supervision of Coach Jianping Ma and finish my education and I am taking it.

I am beyond excited for this opportunity and can't wait to see what comes next in this bigger plan. However, as one door opens I am sad as the other door closes. I truly loved my stay at California Strength and appreciate all the time that my Coach and basically founder Glenn Pendlay had to give me and I take away a knowledge that others would only dream to receive. The man took me in as a crazy CrossFitter and turned me into a crazy lifter. Out of the two, I'm not sure which is more sane? I am also grateful for the chance I had to lift with some of the best guys in the United States! On top of being wonderful athletes and lifters they were some of my best friends and comrades as well. I take a little from each of them on to my next step in this sport and I already can't wait till the day we all meet again! It will be a big family reunion that's for sure. I also thank Dave and Kathryn Spitz, Matt and Haley Johnson,  and Peter Bauman at CalStrength for giving me all the encouragement in the world while training in their facility and also a HUGE thank you to Muscle Driver USA for my sponsorship over the last year. Lastly, a thank you to my family for allowing me to leave and follow my dreams even if they are half way back across the country! These are such huge things in my life that even a thank you can't even begin to show my appreciation for.

It is such a sad thing to leave what you know in desire for something else but everyone knows life doesn't come easy. As a person you grow and feed off of these chances in life to change the world...or at least your own world! I take this opportunity head first and laugh at the thought that even though I still don't have it all PLANNED out I.WILL.NOT.FAIL. I will take this one day and one lift at a time. I will focus on what I have in front on me. I will make the NOW my very best EFFORT for TOMORROW! I am so so happy to be a Lindenwood Lion and I can't wait to see what's next for me. Stay tuned followers, because I'm about to even Wow myself!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO!!! Love you all!!!

Wonder Woman Lindsay Taylor

That little minion I spoke of yesterday....Marin Chew

Watering Young Seeds

How do you grow the sport of weightlifting? How do we make it more popular, more of a "cool" thing to do and be a part of? CrossFit turns Reebok and blows up. The world goes bonkers over 21, 15, 9 and falling to the ground bloody and the feeling of death. I DID. I started as a CrossFitter. A strong CrossFitter, hence began weightlifting. I loved CrossFit. Still do, and still respect it....from a distance, but now my love is found on the bar. It's a fine line between the argument of these two worlds. One would say CrossFit is being a well rounded best at everything. Ok.....well rounded, yes....but best, I'm not convinced? To be the best or the greatest you have to take your focal point and center it on something. Whether that be running, or gymnastics, or olympic lifting you have to be dedicated to that certain thing. Then, you have to slave in hours and hours and hours of work on just that. You want to be the best kipping pullup guy and you better believe you're going to be doing a hell of a lot of kipping pull ups.

Anyway, back on track here. Weightlifting. What do we do? How do we get our kids involved because they are the gateway to our future. My daughter goes to every local event around, sits and watches almost every practice I do, and cheers me on on every lift. SHE thinks it's cool. She think I'M cool! But how do we further that? I don't ever push her to want to lift but becuase of all the time she watches me put in she just naturally wants to do it too....maybe? She has a bar in which she does the lifts on her own. I add in a few coaching ques but am hesitant to "coach" her yet becuase right now it is just FUN to her. I want it to stay fun. Lord knows it's a twisted form of it once you get to this point. She makes lifts and smiles saying, "Look, I'm strong like my mommy!" It definitely encourages me to lift more! She does the snatch, clean and jerk, and when she's really wound up she combines the two in kind of a split snatch/jerk thingymajig! Either way, I like it because she's up and moving around.

I have another girl, Marin Chew, who in the same way watched me and started being intrigued. Her parents are friends of mine. Mom dabbled in some CrossFit for awhile but primarly is doing training for figure competitions and her dad trains Muy Thai. She came in to watch though when all our paths crossed. She's a tiny little thing who until recently was not one to really do the "sports" thing. After months of watching she, (cute, little bitty, young girl) Marin, wanted to lift big weights....LIKE MEEEE!!! I've been working with her now for about 3 months and the girl is an animal! And most of all...she LOVES it!! She has been saving up her money for the last few months  AND BOUGHT WEIGHTLIFTING SHOES WITH IT!! Her form is prestine! Her lifts are increasing every time she comes in. She's rocking leapord tights and tank tops!! She watches all my videos and reads my blogs! She knows everyone on my team from watching too much Youtube and you better believe she's stronger than all the little boys in her class!!!

So again, I ask...how do we make this sport more popular? It all starts right here with US! It starts with the Lindsay Taylors, Donny Shankles and Jon Norths. We are paving a road to all the younger people out there that WANT TO BE LIKE US! We have to stand strong as role models. We have to convince these little people that we are cool....AND WE ARE!?! We have to show them we are having fun and that hard work sure pays off! We get one little Marin through the door, and she goes and tells all her friends and they tell all their friends and soon we will rule the world!! RIGHT? Ahahahaha, well maybe not rule the world but hopefully we will grow this sport to a higher degree. What blows up fast comes down fast......long steady work holds strong. Hopefully we are the sport of the future? 

Team California Strength 2012

*missing from picture is Kevin Cornell, Robert Blackwell, and Tom Sroka

Wouldn't you like to lift like a girl???

Fight with PR

I sit in this dusty corner of the gym sipping my water, gathering myself before I go up to fight with PR. This fight seems to come few and far between here lately and I have been walking away defeated too many times. The pain getting here is sometimes a battle all on it's own. I feel so beat down on my fight up to the top. Even the lighter weights seem to uppercut me when I'm not looking. You have to be quick on your feet in this game. You have to know when to hit and have just the right spot to take him down. The floor seems to have less bounce than it did before, and the air around me is stagnant with left over chalk clouds that billow around me. The smell of sweat and tears fill the room like a must in a guys locker room after a football game. Everyone around me cheering, I think, cause I can see their lips moving but all I hear is my head telling me to pull the shit out of the bar. I hate this fight, but yet I love it. Everytime I get here I feel the bar raise a little more. Even if I don't win there's something good that always comes from it. I had one less failed attempt on my way this time. My positions are better, smoother, stronger. I am hungrier. I leave always wanting more. I know what I want, and I know what it's going to take to get me there. Lots and lots of these battles, like little stepping stones to the top of this temple I want to walk on. Everyone wants to be on top, but only special few have what it takes to get there.

Fail.

Get up.

Fail.

Get UP.

Fail.

Get. The. HELL. UP!

Do it again and again until your body can no longer be unsatisfied at what lies at your feet. Lift. Sit. Breathe. Lift again. Turn on this fight and bring out the heavy artillary. Then pack your bags for the reward at the end. Every day is a battle. If not PR today, then LIFE, or BILLS, or REAL WORLD? Get better everyday. Come everyday and most of all BRING IT everyday! Quit making lame excuses of why today is not YOUR day. You hurt? So do I. You're tired? I haven't slept yet!You're hungry? I'm always hungry! and it's that hunger that will get me through to the end. The end, where then and only then, I can sit, kick my feet up, and relax....looking down off my temple at the fight below me.

Crazy isn't here yet...

You haven't seen the best part yet. This isn't crazy...it's not even close. Everyday is a turning point though and if you're just tunning in, you're walking in on the best part. I'm just now making a stand and my legs feel strong. They're stonger than ever. I feel like I can throw boulders into the sky, or at least smiley faces to the back of your head. My blood is pumping, so hard now it makes me shake. I take a deep breath in and still yet it leaves me unsatisfied. I wan't to lift heavier bars and rip the heads off dragons. I want to take this aggression out on something!?! I want to scream and beat my chest as I jump out of the white forest and rip the faces off red headed bars! Throw on another plate, bring your friends green, yellow and blue. You better believe I won't give up without a fight. I've never been there before but today I feel dressed for battle. I have my army to pick me up if I should fall. They'll dust me off, slap my ass, and send me out for another round. Today, I'm feeling CrossFit and thinking AMRAP till collapse. This fuel inside me burns hot and so deep now there's no turning back. People are starting to see it on my face. They're starting to feel the heat as I walk by. Don't be scared my friends, it's just the life in me being brought to a boil. I lose more and more of it as it evaporates out of my body and on to the floor along with everyone else's hopes and dreams. These dragons fly around my gym barfing cupcakes instead of blowing flames. All it is in the end though is a bunch of smoke out your ass. I'm typing this in my weightlifting shoes. I'm not done. I've only just started. You haven't seen the best part yet. This isn't crazy....it's not even close.

The road less taken....

Sometimes as people we find it so much easier to follow a trail that has already been blazed by many others. One that has been mowed and properly taken care of. One that has two lanes due to all the traffic. We follow these roads just like we do when we drive our cars down the freeway. Some of us on cruise controll, some of us sightseeing, taking our time, and some of us while multitasking and talking to our friends in other states. We go through life like mindless robots. The three exits and road changes on our way to work turn into thoughtless right hand turns in which our car, like a 15 year old broke horse, just makes it's natural turn with out thinking or even preparing for it. We go about our lives like a program we are supposed to follow. Monday through Friday many of you are like zombies and then the weekend arrives and you come to life to get dolled up and dance in the clubs. Or for weightlifters, we show up to practice, one, sometimes two times a day and meet the same bar with the same weights that we have been putting up over our heads for the last two months now and decide that today we're just going to do it all over again. Why do we become robots? Why can't everyday be a PR or at least a good running attempt at one? Why do we forget to pay attention to all the exits in life and only focus on the one that gets us to work? Why do we forget to take the time to live off of standby mode? I want to bring something new to everyday of my life. I want to keep you guessing what I have in store for you next. I want to keep you tunning in on the edge of your seat and searching for the next big YouTube video. I want to hit PRs again. Life isn't a game that you get to save everynight and come back to when your friends are back around. It is an on going cycle in which you have to make the best of every chance you get in order to capture the flag at the end. What is it that you want? You want to be strong? You want to drop 30 pounds? You want to get your life together again? Then do it! Stop waiting for tomorrow. Stop cruising down the same road that has gotten you to work for the last 15 years but changed nothing. Stop shutting your mind off and making excuses for yourself. No one is going to do it for you. No one is going to drag you off the couch and litterally kick you in the ass. Well, not everyday anyway. Find what drives you, what fuels you and fill up and run like hell until you find what you're looking for or you accomplish what you've always wanted. Don't look back to see who's following this new path with you, just go. Those who see your courage and dedication will follow. You will start a new path and eventually add on more lanes. Don't be affraid to wander off on your own! If you get lost or scared along the way find someone who will dust you off and send you back out again. It is engrained in each and every one of you. Dig deep. You can do it.

"Each one of us has a fire in our heart about something. It's our goal in life to find it and keep it lit."
-Mary Lou Retton
Olympian

Are you still out there?

Sometimes I forget you're out there. Still watching, still admiring, still looking up to what it is I represent. Even when I'm in a slump I still inspire? Thank you for reminding me that I still have some kind of worth. Training sucks but you still tune in for more? I will try my hardest to kick this funk and come back harder, stronger, and more determined than ever, puking the brightest rainbow you've ever seen. You keep watching and I'll keep lifting. Day after day until this slup has been defeated and I walk out better on every end. Big changes are hapening in my life right now and I'm going to make the best of them. God makes people strong for a reason and he made me dumb strong as I've been told so I'm ready for this. Ready for all that comes my way. Ready for new ventures and new smiles. Ready to be inspired myself again. Ready to break 200! Keep watching guys....I promise I won't let you all down.

Easter with my kiddo!

A post by my dear friend Lori Fouts

Just a rant. The drive thru is NEVER an option. I think its funny, alot of these fast food places are sitting right in front of, or very near a grocery store. To me it is just as easy to stop, walk into the produce section, and pick up something quick, sliced turkey meat as well. This is kinda like our ancestors did, foraging when we are hungry, but we do it in the produce section.
Im just saying, if one plans ahead and we wont find ourselves in this situation. Also its not a bad thing to feel hunger every now and then. This called intermittent fasting, and this is a good thing. The need it now mentality has to change. Patience and observation is a good thing, and should be practiced daily. We tend to go through life on auto pilot, not mindful of any of our own actions. Today I challenge you to stop, listen to your breath, observe yourself, be patient, and experience life in the moment, mindful of your present moment in time. Can you do this? Re-post and share your experiences with me!



So true!! Thank you LORI!! xoxo