What happens when that little flame inside you starts to flicker like a candle fighting it's way through a breeze? That moment when everything almost dies but tries so hard to stay ablaze. It's like my head when there's not enough oxygen for me to mentally focus, like a fog after a few shots when all you do is act on instincts and lack of a better judgment. Are you going to stay and fight or are you going flea for cover? Sometimes what's easy isn't always what's right. I don't even know anymore the difference between the two. I go with my gut and follow my heart and hope they've got enough sense to not steer me wrong. I want what everyone else wants...unicorns and pots of gold at the end of every rainbow and maybe an in-ground pool, why is that so much to ask? I want to lift heavy again and love without the fear of getting hurt. I want to stand for something worth standing for and fight till it gives me a reason to just give up. These dragons are everywhere and they don't give up. I put them out with their drink but they keep coming back. Give up and go home? Wake up from this bad dream? Or take a deep breath and get the oxygen pumping again. I'm an athlete, a natural born champion. Giving up has never been in my blood and fight has always been patiently waiting on the back burner for his big debut. I want to win again. I want to walk in a room and pull tricks out of their seats with my openers! I want to make PRs feel light again and hit your lifts for doubles. I want my fight to stay, I like it. It's the only thing that makes me feel alive when everything else starts to feel so dead. I won't ever give up on what's worth fighting for and when I do I'll just make my bed and lie down in it. That little flame inside me will always burn bright, like a hot coal refusing to be taken over by the wind. I'm just now burning red, three shades before that deep blue heat. I'll keep you warm if you want to stay close but if not I'm going to keep fighting this damn fight. Are you with me or against me? What do you have worth fighting for?

The bar.

The bar  It seemed to feel so perfect in my hands today. My feet, although stubborn at first started to move a little quicker, hitting their right places at the right time. Spreading and landing at a better distance apart, ugh I hate that part! Move your feet! How is that so hard? How does someone go from jumping 2 ft forward to not moving at all? It's little stuff right but the decider between the best and second place. No one wants to be second place, I don't.  The gym was more packed today. School is a little closer to being in session and all the overachievers have showed up a little early. I met new teammates and it's starting to feel a little better walking on to the platforms at Lindenwood. Some of them are a little too quiet though, it makes me nervous.  Support. That's all it takes. And belief. Those two things and you can conquer anything. Knowing someone, whoever that is, has your back when you fall is such a courageous feeling. It allows you to pick that bar back up when you lose it behind and just do it again without worry that it's going to be another fail. Or just get through life in general. Change. It sucks. A feeling of starting all over again. Change this, keep that....will it ever feel natural again? I hope so. I believe it will. I can't wait till it does. So much going on and all I want is comfort again so I can find my peace. The clutter in my head makes me nauseous. It makes me think and when I think sometimes I doesn't make sense.... Kind of like this blog. I'm not sure what sense is anymore. Maybe one day it will all come back to me. Until then I'm going to just ride this wave and see where it takes me. Thanks for the vent....I hope it helped someone out there.

When is Enough ever ENOUGH?

Inspired by Mike Cook:

At what point do you call it quits? What is the deciding factor between setting the bar one kilo higher or stuffing it back into the quiet, dusty confines of your closet? When do you know you're done, maxed, at full potential, spent, or just finally burnt out?

I personally don't know the answers to any of these questions. I wish I did.....or maybe I'm glad I don't? As an athlete, I push till I fall over, till I can't get up anymore, till every last tear has been shed or sweated from my body. But as  a champion, I NEVER QUIT! Where is the fine line in which the end lies?

Almost a year into this sport and challenges still hit me everyday. Challenges from PR's, from lack of motivation, from fear.....wait!.... from fear of not getting better (that's more like it) challenges simply because I still see a long road ahead and gas is very expensive.  I keep adding weight though. Even if it's not a PR, I add weight to doubles...somewhere throughout this all it breaks down to a victory, right? I fight the bar and the bar fights back. Good days are fewer than the bad but when a great day comes it fuels me long enough to fight till the next one. Doubt will fill your mind but you have to shut it out. It will encircle your head like a wreath like jolly old St. Nick's smoke from his pipe on Christmas Eve. Tell it to go elsewhere. Fight. Send it over the hill to the more weak souls. The ones who still get shoved in adult lockers because they have no MOXIE! Fight some more. If this were easy every one would do it and then "Champion" would be just another term for "couch potato" or "lazy bum".

I don't know what the end looks like? I assume it's just like dying.....for me it will be. I don't know who I'd be without some version of athlete tacked behind my name? Am I anything at that point? Mother-of-athlete/s (I hope). Faintly I see my end but not because I have doubt. Not because I'm giving up or giving in. More so, because I have "life". I know where I want my road to go and I'm going to try like hell until I run out of gravel or hit the dirt! Until then I will set goals, break goals, and take the bar higher. I will cuss, grunt, and slam bars until I feel better about what lies at my feet. I will take a  victory when it comes my way and except failure only when it makes me stronger.

You? I don't know you. I don't know your moxie. I don't know your locker or your closet. I don't know why you cry or how far you can be pushed before you just GIVE UP! You do though. What are you? Are you a CHAMPION or are you just some other Joe Schmoe working to just keep up and "fit in" amongst a crowd of zombies? You know your fight, your self worth, your pride....what are you going to do with it? Be satisfied with a 1 kilo PR or add more f-ing weight and go till you collapse?? What are you going to make of today so tomorrow you can look back and smile?

Figure it out yet????
Good.
GO!

 

Happy Now...

The bombs have been dropped. The smoke has all cleared. Everyone is still alive each feeling their own emotions. What a relief. Can this all be over now? I wave my white flag. Truce. I shake your hand and smile. You were happy and I am happy now. No one wins in the end, but I do feel a little better now. Scars will stay because they are deserved and I'm sorry if the shoe doesn't fit as well on the other foot. The bitterness is gone from my mouth and all I taste is the sweet remnants of cherry chapstick. I walk a little taller, smile a little brighter, and can laugh again at life. Let bygones be bygones and move on knowing everyone each got what they deserved. I hate this part. You were once my best friend. I'm letting go now....moving on to what makes me happy again. You stay on your side of town and I'll make a new home over here. Keep your head up, someday this will all be a good story. Fight through your pain like I've fought through mine. I'm still rooting for you even though you're on the other team. Go on, do big things, thank me later for the fire I just built in your belly because I'm thanking you now for the one in mine. This will all be over soon. Close your eyes really really hard, get mad, and grit your teeth a little.....those lights you still see, well, that's ME. I made it through the darkness, I know you can too.

Tarnished Trophy

I sit here awake in bed. My thoughts are like 20/20 vision in the dark and my visions are like a kid with ADHD. Light weights today, tomorrow heavy again. Happy one second and ready to rip faces off dragons the next. I close my eyes only to see what it is my mind keeps thinking. I like it though. I like the world in my head. I like it so much I just want to sleep but I can't....this world makes my heart race. It plays in high definition with the volume on max. A ticking time bomb inside my chest.....pushed to the limit everyday, just waiting for you to make that call and for everything to blow up.

The humidity makes me sweat. You make me sick. Jayden wakes up in the middle of the night calling for "mama". I roll over and pet her back to sleep. Training is hard but it's not my only test of strength. I want more. I want it all. I want to make it big while I watch you hurt in that rearview mirror.

Wrap your knees for these pistols skank, you're going to need every bit of help you can get. Come here, I'll give you a hug! Watch me as I knock out reps without stopping and use your max weights in my warm up. CrossFit SchmossFit, you can't beat me, but you can have this....It's not my best trophy, I brought the best one with me.  Sit it up on your table and watch it closely cause in enough time someone else will run off with it again. Tempting on the outside made of priceless gold but on the in, lies and deception. Too bad the tarnish will never rub off and it's left stained forever.

Blog after blog I've deleted lately because my zombie fingers take over and try to get even. I pull back even though it feels so good. I save them because they've actually been some of my finer pieces of work. I read them as inspiration for myself and I laugh knowing you're such a fool. I know what's important and I have it. Fearless and confident everything else will come. I'll put my fight to better use now. PR......you better wrap your damn knees!!

“If you are going to be a champion, you must be willing to pay a greater price.”

~Bud Wilkinson~

The Lab

I'm really starting to hate PR. I mean I think I am though its been so long since we've danced. I remember loving him; welcoming him every day and smiling when he was in the room. Butterflies filled the air as I looked at him and knew I would be calling him my own again someday. I hate him now. So many battles; so many defeats. Why is he so mean to me? Why does he have to be so damn stubborn headed. Go above my head PR, and stay there!

Another failed attempt! Ugh.....hate, hate, hate! You remind me of someone else I know.

My body aches. My heart aches. My training suffers because I am suffering. I think I've found a light though. Still very vague and dim in the distance, but a light nonetheless. I see it flickering, drawing me in like a moth to a flame. Flame! That's it. That's what I need to get out of this darkness. This headache. This nightmare. This never ending slump. A flame!

Yesterday was the beginning of that flame. I went to The Lab gym in St. Louis with my teammate and new awesome training partner, Kyle. We had a great session, one of the best ones I've had in months. Still no PR to be found but it awakened that demon inside me again. It felt nice! It reminded me of my first weightlifting home at CalStrength and I felt like I was training next to Donny Shankle again.

Smiles. Roars. Explosions. Lions filled the room. We were a stand still quiet amongst the storm. Nothing made sense in there except our training. Kyle hit a PR (so I know he lives there). I will find him again and we will dance, but until then I'll share him with everyone else in the room. Rugged little home, but it was broke in to the sound of bars slamming and decorated with chips and holes in the wall.... so I loved it. Bars rattled off of the hips around me, my teammate sat behind me to cheer me on, house music filled the air and somehow on my first visit I felt so at home. I needed that. Wow, what a great feeling to have after the shit I've had to deal with lately. It was a moment of peace where lately there is none. It was a flame and I brought the match. Keep burning fire. Keep me warm and alive on the inside cause lately I've felt so cold. Rekindle my love for PR and let me trust him again. Let me believe that I am invisible and heal my open battle wounds. Burn brighter and brighter so everyone else in my corner can have some too. You keep going and I'll keep dumping the gasoline on. Thank you Lab partner for taking me and can't wait to do it again! Next time.....I'll bring my dancing shoes!