Happy Birthday Aunt Bev!!

In Memory of Jim Davis

No words can express the loss of such a great man. Jim Davis was such a joy to be around. From the smile on his face to the positivity that he possessed, he touched people's lives and made them better just by the opportunity to know him. Even though he is in a better place now, he will be greatly missed in this one. Thank you Jim for all the moments of laughter and uplifting talks. Thoughts and prayers go out to his wife, kids, family, and friends. Rest in peace Jim, you will never be forgotten.

Jim Davis (March 27, 2012)

Ready for the Rain to let up...

The last few weeks have been total chaos it feels like. The static in my head bounces around between my ears like a pin ball machine. Jayden. Stay over the bar. Wrecked Car. Ahhhhhhh. Heals Lindsay. Smile....Jayden. LIFE. Oh, life.... I haven't been writing lately because I'm afraid of my fingers taking over the keyboard like lifeless zombies and terrorizing this positive blog site I've worked so hard on creating. I have been telling myself for the last couple days to get on here and write something...even a lousy pass for a post of just telling you our livestream has been changed to 1:00 instead of 2:00, anything just to let you know this blog is still up and running. Still nothing. I can't even think of things to talk about and usually I can't decide out of the 10 ideas I have which one to continue on with. Then yesterday it hit me. I was laughing and smiling. I was at softball practice. I was coaching. Coaching is one thing that no matter how terrible of a day it has been I can just let it all go and work with the kids. This is my second season as St. Mary's Softball coach, and it continues to fill my life with joy every time I step foot out there on that dirt.

It's been raining a lot and our practices and games have been canceled more than played lately but yesterday we were determined to get out there even if it was still muddy and wet. I would say it was one of our best practices. We didn't hit a lot and we didn't field a lot, but we did learn a lot....and had a lot of fun. I didn't look at my watch one time throughout practice and by the time I had we had ran over ending time by almost 30 minutes! The girls were filthy! White pants were covered in mud and grass stains! There was dirt in their hair, mud all over their arms and clothes, and we even ran around with no shoes on but didn't mind taking socks off! I'm sure parents were cussing me when their children walked in last night looking like bums off the street and reeking of mother natures not so finer moments.

Long story short, I left there last night smiling, something that I haven't done a lot of lately. My girls cheered me up more than they will ever know and didn't really do anything except play and have fun! I walked away from the fields watching kids get in their parent's car while they cringed and laid down newspapers. Not sure why but it made me kind of warm inside. Our kids are only young once, they only have a short time of very limited responsibilities before they are thrown in adulthood and expected to just start flying on their own. Have fun. Cherish these moments. Soak them up because there will be a day when they won't have time for that let alone you. I took my four year old with me to practice yesterday. she played in the mud and came home with grass stains too....I too was one of those parents who started to cringe as I put her in the car. Quickly I brushed her off, smiled, gave her a kiss, told her great practice and then went on to strap her filthy butt in her car seat and off to frozen yogurt we went.

Sometimes even when it feels like life is raining down on you a small glimpse of sunshine will appear where a beautiful rainbow will sprout and make your day. Look for those moments. Those are the ones that get you through the rain.

Thank you St. Mary's Softball girls for yesterday's rainbow!
xoxoxox Coach!

Snatched by the Snatchasaurusrex!

No it's not CrossFit, it's not diet, it's not even lack of sleep.....the Snatchasaurusrex is in town and he's out on a snatch catching frenzy! That's the only thing I can think of. Any other excuse would just be insane and childish. To make believe and imagine something so crazy as just being in a snatch slump would be so far fetched that I'm sure my nose would start to grow. It is definitely the Snatchasaurusrex, I saw him with my own two eyes! He's silver with hard, cold, almost knurling like scales with colorful wings on each side! The more colors he posses the stronger his powers! He comes into your gym and rips hips apart, tearing into your mind and crawling into your head making a nest to live in while he whispers in your ear. He adds invisible weight to your bar when you're not looking and insists on making warm up weights feel unbearable! He breathes a chalk like smoke that billows across the room infecting other teammates close by. Snatchasaurusrex growls a crash bang failed attempt gosh dang it son of a monkey mothers yell! Words that don't make sense unless he's around.  He pulls your bar out front and sets fire to your heals so you're forced to only go to your toes! He flies out of your head only to circle the room and knock you back on your ass.  

I'm done! I'm tired of this Snatchasaurusrex hanging out at CalStrength, more specifically my platform, my head, my body! Time to battle! Strap up your Pendlays with me, grab your Nexgen spear, let's hunt this beast! Do not sleep, do not eat, do not be satisfied till we have his head on a Werk San platter!  We will prevail! We will come out victorious! We will again snatch! Let's kill him and use his smoke to refill our chalk dishes while WE laugh! We'll hang his broken body out in front of CalStrength's door to warn his friends Missedcleanasaurus and Cantjerkadactyl to stay out! We will stand strong in our singlets of armor and live to fight again. They will someday come back....they never give up! But as long as my heart continues to beat I won't give up either! Your fight makes me stronger! Every battle I win with Snatchasaurusrex and his buddies makes my hands more calloused over and my heals sturdier! Join me team! Today, at 1:00 we kill! 

Journey to Dreamland

What is it that fuels us when we've run out of gas? That burning sensation from way down within us that almost feels like an erupting volcano about to take way. Is it our dreams, our greatest desires, or is it fear? Fear of letting others down, the fear of failure. Or maybe a lethal combination of it all.

Whatever it is, it's a fossil fuel like no other. It burns so deep and so hot that we will follow it anywhere it drags us so that we too can stay warm. We will close our eyes and jump in any direction it's pulling not even thinking or planning of what may come next. That's the beauty of dreams. They are the one thing that you can't make any hesitations with while they last because once you wake up chances are you will never relive it again.

Positively weigh yourself and how far you've come. If you're dancing on a dream and starting to struggle, always remember to never lose sight of that 8 year old little boy and what he played for. Don't forget how many hours you've put in time and time again with a sore and battered body. Waking up for breakfast on a back roller so that you can train through your lunch and go home and nap. You've worked so hard to become the best.

You've given up friends nights out and unsupportive people. Friendships and  relationships have come and gone because they don't know the life of an athlete. The life of true dedication. The life of battery, stiffness, aches, pains, and athletic tape. They don't get you. Your family stay by your side because they believe in you. They have to. They've seen your ups and downs and know that's what it is that makes a true champion. The people who love you and support you will be waiting for you at the end of that dream rainbow cheering you on while  you collect your pot of gold.

Whether your rainbow will take you near or far, it will be beautiful. It will be great. It will be worry free and happy because it leads you to the land of dreams. Where snozberries really taste like snozberries and biofreeze rivers run rapid. Dreamland has no perception of pain. When you fight that bully no matter how hard you hit him it feels like a plate of jello on the other end. You will be pain free, running high off adrenaline, and rocking a steady smile of pure focused energy.

Positive! That's the key to success. Positive through and through. Mentally able and physically your body will pull through. Believe in yourself, I know I believe in you! Take that fear, that pain, that stupid voice in your head and fuel your passion with it. Sacrifice them to the dream gods so that you can dance through the clouds on tiptoes with the one who makes you smile. Follow that burning sensation in your heart. Fear not of failure but embrace the small falls that will only make you stronger. You will not be the best at everything but that's what keeps us wanting more. Keeps us alive and fighting. Keeps us coming back with more fight. Show this and you will show true greatness. You will show the heart of a champion.

Bodies need to be rebuilt from time to time, knees need a little extra stitch in them once in awhile, but hearts......hearts, once they stop pumping, stop billowing up that deep volcanic lava, once they give up and let the negative darkness in; well, they cannot be restarted. Don't lose your heart. Don't forget that inner child. Don't forget your dad's coaching and your mom's team snacks. Don't forget hotdogs after every win. Don't forget why you started and how much fun you've had along the way. You can do this. This is just one more day of training to a champion. One more day closer to a life in Dreamland. One more step closer to happiness. I'll meet you at the end of the rainbow, in Dreamland.....with a snozberry smile!

In the words of Ahhhhhhnold, "I'll be back!"

I sit here trying to rationalize what just happened in my head. My ears are still ringing from the explosion of the clapping that once was before I walked out there. Silence now. Or maybe I'm still sitting here in shock. The remains of my bar and the weight that used to feel so light still lay unbruised up on that stage, smoking from the fire and heat of all the lights.  I can't feel my arms or legs but I think they're alright. I think I remember walking away but I'm unsure of everything else that just happened. The village of people are still there, watching from a distance just outside the fire line. I think they're ok too, but I can't bring myself to check on them for fear that catching their eyes will start another explosion. My heart is pounding, that's how I know I'm still alive. How much longer it can handle this rhythm is unknown by me but for now it's ok. Kick. Scream. Cry. Is like my stop, drop, and roll. My motives for finding safety. I think I'm still breathing. Still can't hear anything besides those awful voices in my head. Visions replaying in my mind like a bad dream but I'm very much awake.  Pacing. I want to scream so bad but I'm scared as to what might come out of I do. My stomach is tossing and turning like a blow up raft caught in a tsunami. Wake up Lindsay! This can't be real. This didn't just happen. I didn't fly across the country to get hit like this. The one I loved so dearly just turned it's back on me. Thats what I get for falling head over heels so quickly for. Stupid snatch.

Heart pounding. A different kind now than what it was 5 minutes ago....or maybe it's been 15 or 30 by now. Time for some reason feels like it's a broken record playing over and over the last 2 minutes of my life.

Pause.

The fear is gone, I have nothing now to lose. I AM PISSED. The first words of English that finally rolled up to my tongue after the last 5 minutes of what I'm sure sounded like a sailor with terretts seemed to turned my coach's face in to a look of appreciation. (deep breath) "Well.....let's go clean and jerk." Finally, I was starting to make sense. I was snapping out of it. I could hear again. Still people out there clapping. They're alright. I'm alright. We walk back into the warm up room, I'm still looking down. Avoiding eye contact with anything and everyone. I just gift wrapped a national medal and dropped it in the homeless guy's tin cup sitting outside the CrossFit gym.  Damn it. If only I could clean and jerk 200kg. I've had my iPhone for so long that now I'm shaking my head to change the song of voices in my mind. Here we go again. Just hit a stinking opener! Shoot, open with the bar and then throw 100 on there. You can't go up there and do this again. Get hit twice on the same stage in the same day? I hope to God the tracking system is off on this next bomb and lands somewhere over in the powerlifting section. Here I am again. Up on that stage. Looking at all the people, standing room only, they haven't left. First lift..... good! A sign of relief. A slight feeling of happiness. Three white lights assures me the judges all made it through that awful first bombing. Clapping. Jerk two, fail! Damn these heavy bars and the horse they rode in on. I can't breathe again. I bump up after a gruesome missed lift. Higher? More weight? You bomb your snatch and now you want to go 1 for 3 in the clean and jerk? You're jumping out if this plane with no shoot on. Silence! You will make this. You HAVE TO MAKE THIS! If not you're walking back to California because you sure don't deserve to waste anymore of CalStrength's money. That last clean may has well have been 200kg because it took every last bit of energy I had to stand up with it. Stars and flickers in my eyes, not from the flash of cameras but from the lack of oxygen making it's way up to my brain. Dip an drive. That's it. That's all I have to do now and I can go home and cry alone in my shower.

JERK!

Hot damn, I did it. I hate the jerk but today I made him my boyfriend! That clean felt so terrible and the jerk like warm butter. 2 Kg competition PR. Maybe there's light at the end of this tunnel after all. I gave away two medals but I guess I'll keep one to remind me of this awful trip. I'll hang it at the other side of the gym because it feels so tainted around my neck. It's like a shrapnel scar from the wreckage of the bomb. I'm alive though. Unhurt physically and mentally stronger. My pride will heal. Scar tissue will cover up this feeling in my heart like the armor of batman. Stronger. STRONGER! I am, indeed, somehow stronger! I have had my first test. A test of failure in which I completed the bonus section and passed with a C-, barely getting by but graduating my first Nationals. I will study harder, push more weight, pull longer hours, make love with my new Jerk boyfriend. I will be O.K. Everybody gets hit from time to time, I just prove to be an overachiever again by doing it at the biggest event of my career thus far. That's ok. That tainted medal will hang in my vision point to remind me to never give up. I'll take a million days of hurting trying to get better over that hurt I just endured. As a matter of fact, training may never hurt again.

I will be back!

Thank you to everyone who watched, everyone who emailed, text messaged, words of encouragement, embracing thoughts, uplifting stories. You all motivate me, inspire me, and keep me wanting to keep coming back. I only hope that I do the same for you....
I'm signing off for now, my plane is about to land. Tomorrow, you'll be able to find me back in our CalStrength corner.... snatching.